Yesterday, a prominent national figure resigned his office after credible charges of abuse from four women. As a victim of spousal abuse, I felt compelled to share a blog post on the subject of abusive relationships that I published several years ago. Unfortunately, the subject matter doesn't change. but the struggle continues. I'd also like to leave you with this encouraging thought:
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction
ends up being the biggest step of your life.
Tip toe if you must , but take the step.
Abusive Relationships
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.
This Healthy Relationship Quiz was developed by the Santa Clara University Wellness Center to help women (and also men) decide if they are in an unhealthy and abusive relationship.
1. Do you feel afraid to speak your mind, express how you feel or ask for something you need?
2. Does your partner tell you are "stupid", "crazy", or "inadequate" when you disagree?
3. Does your partner make fun of your ideas or opinions?
4. Is your partner bossy and/or try to control every detail in your relationship?
5. Is your partner extremely demanding and jealous?
6. Do you often feel guilty and second-guess your choices in friends, social activities, jobs, etc. because of your partner's negative comments about these choices?
7. Are you afraid of your partner's temper, feel like you walk on eggshells, and/or are constantly monitoring what you say and do as an attempt to avoid making him/her angry?
8. Do you find yourself making excuses for your partner and justifying his/her actions to others?
9. Do you feel more "free" to be yourself when he/she isn't around?
10. Does your partner throw or break things when angry?
11. Does your partner try to control where you go and what you do?
12. Does your partner pressure you to engage in sexual activities that you are uncomfortable with and put you down if you refuse?
13. Does your partner threaten to kill or hurt him/herself if you have a differing opinion, try to end the relationship, or do something they disapprove of?
14. Does your partner try to make you feel guilty for having a "life" (i.e. friends, interests) apart from the relationship?
15. Does your partner criticize your family and friends and ask you to stop seeing them?
16. Do you feel that you have changed, lost touch with who you are, or become someone else in order to be with your partner?
17. Have your friends or family expressed concern about your relationship and/or your well-being?
18. Does your partner know how to make you feel bad (i.e., what buttons to push) and use it often to hurt you?
19. Have you lost touch with your friends, and only hang out with your partner's friends?
20. Does your partner try to control you with anger and guilt, or lash out when you don't do exactly what he or she wants?
21. Has your partner ever hit, slapped, punched, shoved, grabbed or shook you?
22. Has your partner ever threatened to hurt you, take important things away, or leave you?
23. Has your partner ever called you names, put you down, insulted you, and/or embarrassed you in front of others?
24. Do you feel like you never get anywhere when you try to communicate?
25. Do you spend large amounts of time preoccupied with what you've said or how it's interpreted?
If you answered "yes" to 3 or more questions in this Healthy Relationship Quiz, you are experiencing signs of relationship abuse.
Helplines for women:
In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
Helplines for men:
U.S. and Canada: The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women at1-888-7HELPLINE
(1-888-743-5754).
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