In a recent post, I tried to explain the perspective
of the “the angry black woman”. While no one can speak for every black
woman, I truly believe that much of their anger stems from the daily slights
that many black women experience. Certified Behavioral Consultant Deborah Smith Pegues tells us about the feelings of being “disrespected, disappointed, denigrated, rejected, taken for granted, abused, and unsupported”. These painful experiences evoke the hurtful, angry feelings that we all must learn to control and move beyond.
The angry black woman stereotype effects our relationships, our careers, and many other aspects of our lives. There are too many black men trolling on the Internet commenting on how awful, overweight and mean they think all black women are. There's a large contingent of black men who date interracially who swear they'd never date black women. This disdain for black women is highlighted on the red carpet as black entertainers, sports figures and other prominent black men parade their dating choices outside their race.
Even Psychology Today published an essay stating that black women are objectively the least attractive women on earth. It should be noted that that essay has been removed from their website and the essay was later rejected by Psychology Today. However, the drama goes on an on, at the expense of African American women.
Even Psychology Today published an essay stating that black women are objectively the least attractive women on earth. It should be noted that that essay has been removed from their website and the essay was later rejected by Psychology Today. However, the drama goes on an on, at the expense of African American women.
There are many aspects to countering the angry black woman image, but here are a few that scholars, researchers and counselors recommend.
Check on Your Self-Worth
It's important to develop a healthy sense of your own worth. Self esteem is your overall opinion of yourself. It shapes your thoughts, relationships and experiences. How you honestly feel about your abilities and limitations is determined by the value you place on your opinions and ideas. Low self-esteem might make you constantly worry that you aren't "good enough".
When you get irritated, frustrated, or angry, take a time out, breathe deeply, slow down until your emotions quiet and subside. If possible or if necessary, walk away until you are in control.
Think before you speak. Don't let the heat of the moment lead you to say something that you'll regret later.If someone is pushing your buttons, remember, you are in control of your response. Invite the other person to join you in taking a "time out" to diffuse the situation and collect your thoughts.
Once you are thinking clearly, assess the situation and decide if the issues at hand are worth pursuing. Always choose your battles and don't let anger or stress lead you to try and fight a no-win situation. Walk away and live to fight another day. Give yourself time to develop strategies to cope with the problem.
When you decide to express your feelings, whether it's irritation, anger or frustration, do so in a nonconfrontational manner. State your concerns clearly. Be direct and refrain from personal accusations or assumptions. Never be verbally abusive.
Remember your communication includes your tone and body language, in addition to your words. Deborah Smith Pegues says that your words account for 7% of your communications, while your tone accounts for 38%, and body language accounts for 55%. You may concentrate on the word you speak without giving ample consideration to your tone and body language which have a far greater impact on your message. See Deborah's message on this subject at http://www.confrontingissues.com/.
Journal the Situation
It might be interesting to start a journal and record situations that you find stressful or that produce irritation or anger. Take the time to track the causes of your discomfort and how you handled the situation. As you review various incidents that occur over time, you might be surprised at the information your journal provides. You are worth the time it'll take to keep the journal and you might be rewarded with greater insight about yourself.
These few steps are just the beginning. Volumes have been written on controlling anger, improving relationships, and handling stress, etc. All these techniques are subjects for another time. I hope that you do not let charges of being an angry black woman control your thoughts and actions. Oftentimes, that's just what people want to accomplish. Respect your anger, frustration and disappointment. Then, decide how to deal with your feelings. Starting today look deep within yourself and finding that inner peace that transcends confusion and stress. Remember that you are in control and that you are highly favored by the One who counts. Stay prayerful and walk by Faith for the struggle continues.
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