Abusive Relationships

Yesterday, a prominent national figure resigned his office after credible charges of abuse from four women. As a victim of spousal abuse, I felt compelled to share a blog post on the subject of abusive relationships that I published several years ago. Unfortunately, the subject matter doesn't change. but the struggle continues. I'd also like to leave you with this encouraging thought:

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction
ends up being the biggest step of your life.
Tip toe if you must , but take the step.

Abusive Relationships

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

This Healthy Relationship Quiz was developed by the Santa Clara University Wellness Center to help women (and also men) decide if they are in an unhealthy and abusive relationship.

1.          Do you feel afraid to speak your mind, express how you feel or ask for something you need?

2.          Does your partner tell you are "stupid", "crazy", or "inadequate" when you disagree?

3.          Does your partner make fun of your ideas or opinions?

4.          Is your partner bossy and/or try to control every detail in your relationship?

5.          Is your partner extremely demanding and jealous?

6.          Do you often feel guilty and second-guess your choices in friends, social activities, jobs, etc. because of your partner's negative comments about these choices?

7.          Are you afraid of your partner's temper, feel like you walk on eggshells, and/or are constantly monitoring what you say and do as an attempt to avoid making him/her angry?

8.          Do you find yourself making excuses for your partner and justifying his/her actions to others?

9.          Do you feel more "free" to be yourself when he/she isn't around?

10.          Does your partner throw or break things when angry?

11.          Does your partner try to control where you go and what you do?

12.          Does your partner pressure you to engage in sexual activities that you are uncomfortable with and put you down if you refuse?

13.          Does your partner threaten to kill or hurt him/herself if you have a differing opinion, try to end the relationship, or do something they disapprove of?

14.          Does your partner try to make you feel guilty for having a "life" (i.e. friends, interests) apart from the relationship?

15.          Does your partner criticize your family and friends and ask you to stop seeing them?

16.          Do you feel that you have changed, lost touch with who you are, or become someone else in order to be with your partner?

17.          Have your friends or family expressed concern about your relationship and/or your well-being?

18.          Does your partner know how to make you feel bad (i.e., what buttons to push) and use it often to hurt you?

19.          Have you lost touch with your friends, and only hang out with your partner's friends?

20.          Does your partner try to control you with anger and guilt, or lash out when you don't do exactly what he or she wants?

21.          Has your partner ever hit, slapped, punched, shoved, grabbed or shook you?

22.          Has your partner ever threatened to hurt you, take important things away, or leave you?

23.          Has your partner ever called you names, put you down, insulted you, and/or embarrassed you in front of others?

24.          Do you feel like you never get anywhere when you try to communicate?

25.          Do you spend large amounts of time preoccupied with what you've said or how it's interpreted?

If you answered "yes" to 3 or more questions in this Healthy Relationship Quiz, you are experiencing signs of relationship abuse.

Helplines for women:

In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

Helplines for men:

U.S. and Canada: The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women at1-888-7HELPLINE

(1-888-743-5754).

Sources: http://dahmw.org/,www.marriage-family-counseling.com

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Slow is Faster than Never

Slow is Faster than Never

Anyone could tell she was annoyed with the result. Although she lost weight from the previous week's Weight Watcher meeting, her irritation was obvious.

“One quarter of a pound? Four lousy ounces!” She continued to stare at the scale. “I exercised. I wrote everything down. I even stayed away from the hors d’oeuvres at the party. This is too slow. I won’t hit my desired weight until I’m 80!”

Standing down from the platform, I heard her grumble as she snatched her purse. “Who needs this frustration?” With those final words, she stormed from the meeting. The next time she came to a meeting, she weighed 43 pounds more than when she left- and was years closer to the “dreaded” age of eighty.

At times it is difficult to remember that “slower is faster than never.”

Few events are more exasperating than diligently following a plan, faithfully monitoring your efforts, expecting breathtaking rewards, and ending up feeling punished for the effort. Hope vanishes, motivation evaporates, and the seductive siren song of harmful habits slyly lures us off track. After all, rarely does one give up when all is doing well.

Success requires enduring many such indignities; it involves making a lifestyle- not temporary- change. Logically, we know that “lifestyle change” must last..well, er, um..a lifetime (hence the term). Emotionally however, we want to experience all the payback, without making the required investment. As a further analogy, we crave the benefits of wisdom without enduring the exposure to life.

It does not work that way. The process will not be rushed; it must be fully experienced.

Success is more likely when we understand the benefits begin immediately; we do not have to wait to enjoy them until we get “there”. To the contrary, that magical land where temptation is non-existent and motivation is ever present is fantasy; there is no better prescription for failure than betting the farm on such unrealistic expectations.

Those who obtain their goals are still faced with the same temptations and frustrations as those of us still striving for our objective. What differs is they persevere through rough periods by changing focus, not by ignoring the delay.

Setbacks cannot be avoided. Although it might not feel so in the moment, each one presents an opportunity to understand the process, ourselves, and make the adjustments necessary for long-term, SUSTAINED change.

At those crossroads, look back, not ahead. The future is always unknown, yet the road already traveled-no matter how short the journey- is lined with accomplishments: some small, others more significant.

Motivation returns when the focus changes. Remember, slow is faster than never.

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